Thursday, July 26, 2012

Anxiety: My Old Friend

I love being a stay-at-home mom. It’s such a blessing that I’ve been able to be one for so long but with summer ending and the holiday season just waiting around the corner, I decided that I should find a job to make some extra money. The holidays were tight financially for us last year and this year we have two kids. That is twice the holiday magic and twice the money.

 In my head I figured that I would find a part time job and not have to leave the kids that much. Instead I got a job as a photographer with my old company and its 40+ hours a week. I’m trying to be positive about it and grateful for the opportunity because it really is a great job and being able to get a job in this economy is really a gift. It’s seasonal which means that I’ll be working from August to the end of November and then pick back up again in the spring. So right when the Christmas season really kicks in, I’ll be back at home with my babies.

The problem that I’m having is the thought of being away from my kids is freaking me out. I’ve always had an anxiety problem and this big change is scaring the crap out of me. I love being with my kids. Noah is so much fun to be around and I love watching him learn new things and play. We have a blast cooking together, reading, doing crafts, coloring and watching Disney movies in bed with a big bowl of popcorn. I’m going to miss having so much time with him but honestly, I’m not worried about leaving him to go to work. He is so independent that I can drop him off with either of his grandmas and he will barely say bye to me.

It’s Aria that is stressing me out. She is so attached to me and I don’t know how she’ll do without me for 40 hours a week. I don’t remember Noah ever being like this with me and I went to work when he was three months old.  I think that it’s different with her because of breastfeeding. I wasn’t able to nurse Noah but I am with Aria. That pretty much makes me numero uno in her world. Which makes leaving her a huge production. I pump as much as possible but it never seems to be enough. I’ve even  been drinking 3-5 cups of Mother’s Milk tea every day and taking supplements that also aid in producing milk so that I can build up a frozen supply. But when I nurse her for every feeding, it’s really hard to judge how many ounces it takes to make her full. I don’t even think that I have enough saved to make it through our first week.  Between that and her stranger anxiety, I’m a wreck.

Clearly I’m attached to her as well. She may be our last child and I want to soak up every minute of baby goodness. She’s days away from learning to crawl and she’ll be talking soon enough too. It scares me to think that I’ll miss those things.

It’s going to be a daily battle with this anxiety of mine and that ever present mommy guilt. But I’m hoping to just focus on the good of this situation because there is so much.

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