And Then She Was One...

One year ago. 365 days. A lifetime and yesterday all at once. You started out as a surprise that I didn't think that I could handle and have become an integral part of my being.

 It's scary enough to love one child. There is a saying that once you become a mother, your heart will forever walk around outside of your body. And Baby, it's scary outside. My heart aches and my stomach turns at the thought of you going through your first heartbreak, dealing with your first mean girl and generally realizing that life isn't the fairy tale that you have envisioned.

As much as I try and focus on the now and the days of childhood innocence that you have left, nights like this remind me that they are fleeting. I've tried writing you this letter for a week now. And never with dry eyes. There is so much that I want to tell you and that I want to be sure that you never forget.

But for now just now that I love you little girl. I've loved you since I dreamed you up years ago. I used to picture what my daughter would look like and here you are-big brown eyes and curls and all. You are perfect. You make every moment brighter. My heart swells with pride at your joyful spirit. To see you throw your head back and laugh with pure happiness is one of this life's greatest gifts. Cuddling with you is right up there on the list too. And seeing you with your brother is my absolute favorite. You brighten up all of our lives and you captivate the hearts of any lucky enough to be near you.
You are my beautiful little princess through and through. Whether you are one or sixty-five, I will always love you with all of my heart.

Happy birthday my sweet Princess Aria.

And then he was three

 

 

Noah,

 

My handsome little three year old. Happy happy birthday to you!

 

Three years ago you came into our lives and changed it all. Your Daddy and I were so young and felt so unprepared. And then we saw your face. We heard your cry. We held you in our arms. And then it was all so clear. We were meant to be together. Me, Daddy and you. We became a family and we became whole. God had this planned from the start and I am so grateful to him for that.

I realize now why mamas everywhere on their children’s birthdays say reminiscing things like “On this day X number of years ago, I was bringing you into the world.” It’s because it will always feel like it was yesterday, whether you replace that X with 3 or 33 years. Every year on this day for the rest of my life, I will relive the power and emotion of that experience.

Truly it feels like just yesterday I was holding your tiny, pink body against mine. I was delirious with love and a little shock that all of those months of anticipation and planning had come and gone so fast. You have changed everything about me, my little monster. I move and act and think differently since you were first laid in my arms. I have more purpose behind my reasons and more motivation to my actions.

 

I have watched you grow from an infant, to a baby, to a toddler in what feels like a single breath. Every new stage you keep us laughing and guessing and entertained. What a joy you are to your father and I as a son and to Aria as a role model and big brother.

 

I am so proud of your creativity and energy and the way you are already welcoming and engaging the world around you. You are so lovely in your smallness, in your brave spirit, and in the sweetness of your heart. Here’s to three years of this beautiful life, Noah David. On this very day three years past, in the bright summer afternoon, I was bringing you into the world - and it was the start of everything.

 

I can’t wait for the gift of this next year with you. and the one after that. and a lifetime of watching you become. The whole world is yours for the taking and I have no doubt that’s exactly what you’ll do.

 

I love you with my entire being,

 

Mama

Work is making me even crazier if that is possible

I haven’t really found the time to blog lately. I haven’t even really been able to write that much in the past few weeks. My job takes up most of my time nowadays and when I get home all I want to do is be with my babies. So I write here and there and even keep a notebook with me at work.

Oh and speaking of work, Tim just called me on is break and informed me that in the middle of the night, Aria woke up and instead of waking up and getting her, I began to yell at her. Apparently I was instructing her to keep her eyes at the camera and after yelling “Eyes here” for the third or fourth time I caught myself and wondered out loud what the hell I was doing.

Tim thought it was hilarious. I fear that I may be crazier than I previously thought.

Oh well…Off to spend the day with my family at the mall. Tim and I both need to buy last minute things for Junior and Trish’s wedding and the kids are getting their pictures done at Picture People. Fingers crossed they cooperate and act like they like each other for at least one picture!

A few of my greatest hopes for you both….

1. That I can instill in both of you a love of learning. That you will pursue higher education. That you will devour all the books that you can. That you will never stop seeking knowledge in all its forms. An education is one of the few and precious things that can never be taken from you.

2. That you travel the world! Go, do, and see as much as you can. Soak up all that this beautiful world has to offer.

3. Find the things that you are passionate about and pursue them all your life. Be it sports, writing, painting, music, photography or a combination of things-fill your life with things that engage your spirit.

4. Never be afraid to speak up when you think that something is unfair or unjust. Doing the right thing may not always be the popular thing, but it will always be worth it.

5. I hope that one day you know what it feels like to love another person with all of your heart. Take your time (lots and lots of time!). Don’t rush any matters of the heart. Love is an amazing gift and I hope that you both find people that you love totally and completely and faithfully. And that they love you back in the same beautiful way.

7. I wish that I could spare you both all of the heartaches that life will deal to you. But I hope that you see the pain that you will be submitted to as a lesson in life. Think of it as part of your life story. Things happen for a reason. Even bad things. You will come through it all wiser and better as long you have the right attitude about it.

8. Pick friends wisely. Find people-good people- that will be around through the good and through the bad. People who will lift you up and enrich your lives. Never allow yourselves to be treated poorly by someone who calls themselves your friends.

9. Always remember that your dad and I are here for you no matter what.  It is our job to care for you and guide you and support you. Never be too scared to tell us anything. Our love for you knows no limits and has no conditions and it will always be that way. We may not always have the answers but we are a family and we are in this together. There is nothing that we can’t do.

My heart can barely hold all the hope it holds for you both. You are still so small right now but time is moving faster and faster. I have no idea what your lives will hold, what you will do or who you will become. But I am certain that the best thing that I will ever do in my life has already begun. Whatever you accomplish, you will always be my lifes greatest work.

Anxiety: My Old Friend

I love being a stay-at-home mom. It’s such a blessing that I’ve been able to be one for so long but with summer ending and the holiday season just waiting around the corner, I decided that I should find a job to make some extra money. The holidays were tight financially for us last year and this year we have two kids. That is twice the holiday magic and twice the money.

 In my head I figured that I would find a part time job and not have to leave the kids that much. Instead I got a job as a photographer with my old company and its 40+ hours a week. I’m trying to be positive about it and grateful for the opportunity because it really is a great job and being able to get a job in this economy is really a gift. It’s seasonal which means that I’ll be working from August to the end of November and then pick back up again in the spring. So right when the Christmas season really kicks in, I’ll be back at home with my babies.

The problem that I’m having is the thought of being away from my kids is freaking me out. I’ve always had an anxiety problem and this big change is scaring the crap out of me. I love being with my kids. Noah is so much fun to be around and I love watching him learn new things and play. We have a blast cooking together, reading, doing crafts, coloring and watching Disney movies in bed with a big bowl of popcorn. I’m going to miss having so much time with him but honestly, I’m not worried about leaving him to go to work. He is so independent that I can drop him off with either of his grandmas and he will barely say bye to me.

It’s Aria that is stressing me out. She is so attached to me and I don’t know how she’ll do without me for 40 hours a week. I don’t remember Noah ever being like this with me and I went to work when he was three months old.  I think that it’s different with her because of breastfeeding. I wasn’t able to nurse Noah but I am with Aria. That pretty much makes me numero uno in her world. Which makes leaving her a huge production. I pump as much as possible but it never seems to be enough. I’ve even  been drinking 3-5 cups of Mother’s Milk tea every day and taking supplements that also aid in producing milk so that I can build up a frozen supply. But when I nurse her for every feeding, it’s really hard to judge how many ounces it takes to make her full. I don’t even think that I have enough saved to make it through our first week.  Between that and her stranger anxiety, I’m a wreck.

Clearly I’m attached to her as well. She may be our last child and I want to soak up every minute of baby goodness. She’s days away from learning to crawl and she’ll be talking soon enough too. It scares me to think that I’ll miss those things.

It’s going to be a daily battle with this anxiety of mine and that ever present mommy guilt. But I’m hoping to just focus on the good of this situation because there is so much.

Noah Says

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(We were driving on the freeway and Noah saw a car that looked exactly like ours)

Noah: Mama!! Look! Look!

Me: What baby?

Noah: (pointing) It's mama's car! Look it's mama's car over there!

Me: Oh yeah, that does look like our car huh?

Noah: Oh no! Mama's car got away!

He was sincerely devastated by this, thinking that someone stole the car that we were currently driving.

6 Months And Growing

To Aria on your half birthday,

You know the old saying about looking at the glass being half full not half empty? Well I'm sure that applies in some way to how I'm feeling today. You are half a year old and as much as I love seeing you grow and change into the beautiful girl that you are, part of me is crushed that you are no longer our tiny little baby. Sure you're still technically a baby but girlie, you aren't that little anymore. 18 pounds, 3 teeth, sitting up, learning to crawl...you are quickly leaving the realm of babydom (Totally made up that word. Don't use that in an academic setting, ok?) And you are so restless and impatient. We all think that you may just skip over crawling all together because all you want to do is sit up and try to stand. I’m sure it comes from watching your brother and AJ and Sophia running around playing together.

I try to focus on the amazing new things that you do every day but I can’t help but feel a tug on my heart every time I look at the pictures we took the first few days that you came into our lives. It’s a constant reminder that you and your brother are growing up no matter what Daddy and I want. And right now little princess, all we want is to soak up every delicious moment of your and Noah’s childhoods. And imprint every giggle, every good morning smile, every cuddle, every family walk, every late night drive and every sloppy kiss into our minds and hearts because one day, you and your brother won’t sit still enough for cuddling and you’ll be too embarrassed for kisses. And that day will be here sooner than any of us are prepared for.

I can’t wait to see you laughing as you crawl after your brother. And Daddy and I are placing bets on what your first word will be (Fingers crossed for Mama!). So keep on growing and learning my girl. We love watching your personality develop and change. I already see that you have a beautiful, old soul. And the joy that emanates from you all day and night is one of my favorite things about my life.

Mama loves you so much. Happy half birthday, my girl.